The Very Very Beginning of Romeo and Juliet
by Chaosweaver Mage
Summary: Why the Capulets and Montagues are fighting. References to certain movies and other stuff but not enough to be a crossover. was originally written for my English teacher


This is the story of how the Montagues and Capulets began their fight, spanning several generations back. It all started with a cake...

_One day, in the fair streets of Verona there was news of another family moving into town, the Montagues. The Capulets, who were already living in Verona, heard that this certain family was as alike in dignity as they were. Intent on making a new friend, the current master of the house, Lord Capulet, decided to welcome their new friends._

**Lord Capulet:** OOH! New neighbours! I must bake them my specialty cake! TO THE KITCHEN! *speeds into the kitchen, knocking down several cooks in the process* Clumsy me. Samuel, give me a hand!

_Now, there is something you should know about Lord Capulet's son, Samuel. Samuel was... well... a slacker. All he did was play video games, go out on drinking binges with his friends, and hook up with girls. It wasn't unusual for him to wake up with a hangover almost every day of the week. For him, his whole life revolved around girls and fights. So when he heard the Montagues had a beautiful daughter, he went along with his dad (duh). _

**Samuel:** Sure dad. *thinking to himself* Sexy lady, here I come!

**Lord Capulet:** My beautiful cake is finished! Come, dear son, we must welcome our guests, the Montagues, build a relationship with them, and finally have a marriage between us!

**Samuel: **Uh... OK, dad... *secretly thinks his father is loco because he is*

_As the Capulets walk down the street to welcome their neighbours, the Montagues are busy as well..._

**Lord Montague:** Oh dear wife, Verona is indeed a beautiful city. We were right to listen to that salesman.

**Lady Montague: **Yes indeed, dear husband. We have our son Timothy to thank for, getting us a good deal for this place.

**Lord Montague:** Yes, indeed. I wonder how he did it...?

_In all fairness, you really don't wanna know how Timothy got that deal... OK, he showed the salesman some vacation slides, over and over and over again... Timothy was similar to Samuel, except he didn't spend all day playing video games, drinking, and hanging out with girls. No... he spent all day and all NIGHT to do so. However, unlike Samuel, Timothy actually had a future ahead of him... as a professional bounty hunter! *cue evil laughter*_

**Lord Montague: **Eh, I'm sure he did it in a non-violent fashion. Anyhow, I wonder who our neighbours are...

*doorbell rings*

**Lord Montague:** I'll get it, sweetheart. *opens the door to see Lord Capulet and Samuel along with a few servants standing there in colourful jumpsuits* Hello...

**Lord Capulet: **Hi! We're the Power Rangers!

**Lord Montague:** Who?

**Lord Capulet:** OK, OK, fine. We're the Capulets, and we're your neighbours. Welcome, and we got you a present! *shows Montague the cake*

**Lord Montague:** Thanks, but I'm afraid I simply cannot accept your present. I have a high-glucose level and the tiniest bit of sugar could kill me.

_Now, Lord Capulet was very passionate about his cakes, almost to the point of sleeping with his trays at night. His wife thought he had a problem. He didn't care. Refusing one of his cakes, however, was a one-way ticket to his whoop-ass level of rage._

**Lord Capulet:** How dare you! I worked six hours on this cake, how could you not accept it?

**Samuel:** *thinking* Yeah right, six hours, you have a whole batch of cakes in the cake fridge at home.

**Lord Capulet:** If you do not accept my cake, you will face my wra—

**Lord Montague: **OK, dude, chill. *takes the cake* Surely a bit of icing will not increase my blood level. *scoops up the tiniest amount of icing imaginable and eats it* Mmmm. Delicious... *falls over dead*

_That was because Lord Capulet had a massive sweet tooth, and liked to put giant amounts of sugar into his cakes. It's little surprise he's loopy. How much sugar he put in there, you wonder? Here's a hint. A peasant who once had healthy teeth tried the cake, and his teeth rotted. ON CONTACT. _

**Lady Montague: ***screams* You murdered my husband!

**Lord Capulet: **Lady, I did not mean to—

**Lady Montague: **Ohh, to hell with this stupid argument! *grabs a cooking pan and beats Lord Capulet all the way back to his house* Never—come—here—again!

**Lord Capulet:** Ow! Owie! Capulets, aattack!

**Lady Montague: **Montagues, assemble!

*within seconds, two armies of servants face off at each other. The Capulets are wearing purple sweatpants and shirts with funny spikes on their heads, while the Montagues are wearing red and have red war paint on their chins. Weird*

**Lady Montague & Lord Capulet: **!

*meanwhile, Timothy and Samuel are becoming enemies as well*

**Timothy: **My name is Timothy Montague.Your father killed my father. Prepare to die.

**Samuel: **Great, now we're referencing Princess Bride? First Power Rangers, then Transformers, and now this? Kill me now, please.

**Timothy:** My pleasure. *kills Samuel by stuffing peanut butter in his face because Samuel's allergic to peanuts*

**Samuel: **I'm doomed, I'm doomed! Wait, how'd you know I'm allergic to peanuts?

**Timothy: **Dude... *points to the giant board hanging over Samuel's head, which states, 'Allergic to peanuts'*

**Samuel: **Ooh... *dies and joins Lord Montague in heaven* PRETTY LADIES!

**Timothy:** *shakes his head and goes back into the house, leaving his mother to fight Lord Capulet*

_And so, this is why the Capulets and Montagues are enemies: over a cake, a loopy temper and two kids with the same basic personality but different loyalties. In an interesting twist of fate, both Juliet and Romeo got this story from their ancestors and understood, once and for all, why their families were so weird. Meanwhile, Tybalt ended up in heaven as well, but Mercutio kept chasing him away from the angels. Guess he deserved that for being a bully. As for Paris, he ended up in his own personal heaven..._

**Paris: ***hums 'Sexy Back' while a ton of angels massage his body* This is heaven.

_Oh, and the Montagues and Capulets were flipping through historical records and found this story too. In an attempt to make peace once more, the Capulets baked the Montagues another cake, this time sugar free. No one died or had a miserable time (other than their children's death). Except for Benvolio, and that was because he ate too much cake and barfed everything back up later. _

**THE END**

PS, the daughter of the Montagues at the time was at college, so Samuel's efforts were for nothing.


End file.
